All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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