I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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