You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
