dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
