I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
