I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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