Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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