so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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