i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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