My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
