um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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