There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
