he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
