I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
