Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So much rum. So many feels.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
