then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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