you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
