So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
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