Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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