Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
True strength comes from lack of pants
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
