At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
