Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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