how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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