I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize