I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
