I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
