Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
