So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.