Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
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I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.