Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
