There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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