I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
