On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
