I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
