he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
