I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
