why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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