you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy