Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable