I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Randomize
