I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
