I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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