You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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