Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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