The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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