Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
