im six kinds of drunk right now
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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