I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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