careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
