My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
