booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's always time for handjobs
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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