So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
