moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
