yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
